Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.

Well, not on my watch.

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.

[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?

The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.

The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?

If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.