If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
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Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Rather alarming headline…
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.
10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Always 🥴
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me