If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
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*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”