Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.

Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.

life lately

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

No, Karen ….

Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.

He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”

She: “Halloween mode?”

He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”

#Halloween #RubbishJokes

Is this a threat?

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.

I’m not a regular Mom.

I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.