“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
You Might Also Like
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.