“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
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Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”
anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape