“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
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Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
