“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
You Might Also Like
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.