Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word

Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.

New baby? Merry Christmas!

Getting married? Merry Christmas!

Birthday? Merry Christmas!

They’re the worst 😩

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous

me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.