Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.

Friend: *checking bag* one bag

Airline: why is it so heavy

Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

“Sorry my phone died”

-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.

Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

Horrifying if literal: foot locker

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.