Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.

*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.

Me: When the edibles kick in

Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif

Me: Exactly

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.

Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

😂😂

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”

Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”

Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

[dinner]
prince eric:

ariel:

prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing

ariel: no no, not this crab

prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good

ariel: he was just a backup dancer

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*