If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
You Might Also Like
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
💻🤡
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Oh deer
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.