Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.

I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”

Your move, government.

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet

sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese