If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
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Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
[sees my pet ant crawl into the room where my wife and I are arguing] we can’t do this in front of her
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.
“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]