If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
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Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
I never needed anything more in my life
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!