If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
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Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
first you must answer his riddles
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher