Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.

I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?

“Yes”

Inside?

“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”

So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.

A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m foolish with money

“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)