Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

When the doctor asks about my sex life.

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

St Peter: welcome to the afterlife

me: damn… there’s more?

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire