Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.

I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

New Tinder profile.

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*

No more excuses…

…I’m canceling that gym membership.

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.

Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.

Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.