If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
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So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Favourite diary entry ever
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.