Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.

Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.

M:

H: Please leave Home Depot.

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie

Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.