If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
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I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO