Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want

I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.

I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.

I’ll wait.

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

When I take a minute to focus on my own life.

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

There’s a whole world of people out there!

*closes the door*