If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
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A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster