If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
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There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Teach your children to beatbox
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this