If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
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Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”
siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”
siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”
siri google “syria where that is”
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*