If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
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I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
smh
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
My first child will be named New Folder.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists