Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.

Son #2: [in bath] We did.

Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

ME (calling my horse with no name):

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian