If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
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Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*