If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
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my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
this sign has the same social anxiety i have
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.