If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
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If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
