If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

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me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked


cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles


I’m the kind of girl that will suck helium from a balloon and talk dirty to you in a Minnie Mouse voice.

Really dirty.


My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.


cop: stop you’re breaking the law

me: [floating in mid air] i hate newton’s laws


I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective


Mitt Romney: “I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman, and a woman, and a woman…”


If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!


the two year old I nanny just said “ahh loud raisins” as a response to me grinding the coffee beans soooo she’s already better at improv/comedy than literally half this town