If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
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Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
A classic…
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.