me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
You Might Also Like
I’m the kind of girl that will suck helium from a balloon and talk dirty to you in a Minnie Mouse voice.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
cop: stop you’re breaking the law
me: [floating in mid air] i hate newton’s laws
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Mitt Romney: “I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman, and a woman, and a woman…”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
the two year old I nanny just said “ahh loud raisins” as a response to me grinding the coffee beans soooo she’s already better at improv/comedy than literally half this town