Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

I’ve just had to let my trousers out.

They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”

-My 4yo inventing orange soda

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth

Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth

Bishop: no

My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻‍♀️

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.