Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11:34: Arrived at crime scene

11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11:34: Found murder weapon in drain

11:34: Realized watch was broken

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

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Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..

What’s a retweet called now?

I vote Xerox.

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

Never forget.

crying

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.

HER: I’m a gun enthusiast

ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”