If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
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It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I can easily control the weather.
– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line