If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
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[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations