@carlyken

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

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@OnBeingHer

6: I’m going outside to play.
Me: Stay in your own yard.
6: Define “my own yard”
Me: …. have fun.

So her mother’s child.

@envydatropic

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

@AmishPornStar1

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

@KielyHealey

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

@better_off_dad

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

@squidslippers

girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”

@KattWillliams

Did you know that the new iPhone 5 helps people lose weight? When you pay for it you can’t afford to eat for a month.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.

@JannaKilimnik

Not at all embarassing when your newly potty trained toddler drops drawer and starts peeing on a tree… a fake tree… in the middle of a restaurant.