If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

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one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere


Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you


Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic



-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.


Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way


“discuss your ideas with the person next to you”



Cop: What’s the hurry?

Me: Nothing officer – Just didn’t want to slow you down.

Cop: I was pulling you over.

Me: Well I get that. Now.



Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out


[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael