If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
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Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.