Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

“I can’t feel my legs”

–mermaids

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

ㅤ

lmao

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread

make sure its switched to “on”

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

[first mma fight]

me: Pikachu I choose you!

Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle

me: *throws rat taped to a taser*

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood