If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
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Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.