If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
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[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.