Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?

Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed

me: just changing the oil

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”

My camera roll:

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it

Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years

How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.