Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched

My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x

What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.

Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

◾️

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie