Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

*flirting poorly at the grocery store*

me: so do you eat food often?

New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

me: can i borrow $100

friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it

me: oh i already have money for that

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.

you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

[fancy restaurant]

ME: *combs my beard with a fork*

HER: what the hell man

ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.