@Skoog

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

@ShrinkMedia

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

@Book_Krazy

Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?

“Sure”[click]

Couple: How does it look?

“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”

@PULPKetchup

First they came for the Fight Club members, but I said nothing, because…you know…rules.

@Tommytoughstuff

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

@DanMentos

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff

@jakob_huber

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

@AaronFullerton

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.