[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
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If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
*eats one piece of lettuce*
*checks for abs*
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
First they came for the Fight Club members, but I said nothing, because…you know…rules.
Always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.