if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

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[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect


If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.


Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?


Couple: How does it look?

“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”


First they came for the Fight Club members, but I said nothing, because…you know…rules.


[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”


[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff


“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*


To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.