Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

The police never think its as funny as you do.

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.

The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.