Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

Just say no

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit

Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

Seas the day!!!!

Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.

My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.

I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

Greeting humans vs their dogs

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

I’ve been saving these cleavage crumbs just for you babe.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse