Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

Reporter: *ports again*

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

Me: I want you to make me a better person

Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

Them: how are you?

Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec

My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”

Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.

#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes

Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.

If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money