Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”

I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.

Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *buffing a shark* dolphin

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????

Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.

9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?

Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah

[Life after lockdown]

My Hairstylist: WTF

When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.