Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Added some new forms of payment to this store…

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

[calendar naming committee]

BOSS: how should we spell the second month

GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea

-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?

-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.

It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.

Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts