If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
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If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
How did we not see this back then?
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.