Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”

Me: I’m gonna make you groan!

Her: you mean moan?

Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”

The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”

I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

[Valentine’s Day]

Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?

Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.