If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
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The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
yeet
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.