If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
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I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Me trying to look natural in photos