If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
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*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.