Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”

2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

6: I hate corona virus!

Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.

6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!

Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

*at plastic surgery consultation*

Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”

Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”

* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…

My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?

Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.

Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet

Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

Women: “Do you remember that time…”

Men: “No”

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.

I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.