Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave

JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.

*stings person*

FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…

JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”

gollum: *coughs on ring*

frodo: you know what, keep it

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.