If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
You Might Also Like
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Xylophonist Shredding It
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too