Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice

My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today

Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.

me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:

MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.

It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year

The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

#damn