If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
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my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
No chill.
