Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs

Has science gone too far?

Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

wishing you and yours all the best

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes

AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.

mugger: gimme your wallet

me: me or her?

mugger: I don’t care

me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.