If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
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Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Boom, boom, ching!
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Worth remembering.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.