If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
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When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Feels
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.