if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
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You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
The only equipped I am is ill.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
People buying plungers never look happy.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
