if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
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You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
😤😤
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.