if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
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No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.