If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
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We found love in a hopeless place.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
congratulations to them
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
April 1st is the class clown of days.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?