If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
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Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?