If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
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you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber