If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
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Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Jesus Christ lmao
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.