If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
You Might Also Like
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
We went together like toothpaste and orange juice
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
How about daylight saves us for once
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time