If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
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The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.