Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies

I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*