If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
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Best spot.. 😅
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.