If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
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*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Basically, any European coat of arms:
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.