Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.

Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.

asked my bf how work was today

Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?

Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.

You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.

BAILIFF: Your FULL name.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?

– my brain at 2:00 am

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…

She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.