If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
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Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
so i’m at the stock market right
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Birds & Planes.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding