If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
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Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Cats are still liquid.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.