Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

Real House Wines.

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’

~me as a 29-yr old.

What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.

Would you wear it?

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.

We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.