If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
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I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Best spot.. 😅
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.